Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Does this dress make me look cat?