HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Smile they said.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
incredible text to wake up to
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.