Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.