BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
asked my bf how work was today
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*