[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
the short answer to this question
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Monday again. I just knew this would happen