yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC