Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.