Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening