Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
WTF IS THAT!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?