When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.