“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad