Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.