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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
And then there were 4
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.