[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
an airline just for babies.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.