I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My guardian angel deserves a raise
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!