Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me, flirting😏
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Home is where your toilet is.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no