[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”