“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
operators are standing by to ignore your call
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If you need a laugh.. 😅