R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
✌️
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.