My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad