Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.