Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!