Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop laughing at this
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.