[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
This week’s mood.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
birds and squirrels envy us
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.