[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
This is my favorite one of these!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
tell em, edith-anne
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa