When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes