Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
He just like my cat fr
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
lol
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.