my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen