An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want