If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Dolls on drugs
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.