If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.