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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.