“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes