Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
You Might Also Like
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is