Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
You Might Also Like
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
How actors in movies eat their food
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.