Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup