Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
How does one answer this?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.