Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
You Might Also Like
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I have questions??
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels