jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
im 7 sauces long
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Why I divorced her.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
