One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am