Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!