[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake