NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”