The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The Punning Dead.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Yes my dude
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.