stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
How animals would run if they were human
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes