I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.