Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance