It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times