Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife