These aliens are taking forever.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
even bears disappoint their mothers
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
August 8
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: